Episode 8, in which Leila discovers:
- How to kill untold thousands of people for your own glory, gain, and amusement, and be remembered as one of history's greatest heroes (Hint: be Alexander the Great and conquer west to east)
- How to kill untold thousands of people for your own glory, gain, and amusement, and be remembered as one of history's greatest villains (Hint: be Attila the Hun and conquer east to west)
And in which Tristan:
- Might have made it seem like he considered the portrayal of hoplite warfare in 300 to be in any way accurate. All he meant was that the movie put something resembling a hoplon and doru in each Spartan's hands. Nothing more!
- When he wasn't aggressively sucking wind into the microphone, strained the phrase "nailed it" to its very breaking point
Episode 7, in which Leila discovers:
- That - holy St. Francis! - for once her stereotypical snippet of knowledge of a historical figure is actually pretty accurate
- How to sum up 3000 years of Chinese history in the span of one French folk ditty
- That Tristan did not, does not, and likely will never have a good handle on the Hittites
And in which Tristan makes Leila choose:
- Whether she wants questions answered fast or answered well. He then goes on to do neither.
Episode 6, in which Leila discovers:
- That anything, even the den of all corruption and iniquity, sounds nice in a Jamaican accent
- That one flavour of slave-owning, woman-hating, violent racists is vastly preferable to the other
- That you can never tell who your real friends are until you take time to stop and count the stab wounds
And in which Tristan:
- Said "Nineveh" when he really meant "Nimrud"
- Swung and missed twice on the correct pronunciation of Leonidas. Let this stand as a testament to his eternal mislacedaemoniopathy
Episode 5, in which Leila discovers:
- That if you've brought a Gatling gun to a knife fight, then you just might be a redcoat
- That Tetris is Russian, the Light Brigade charged, Florence Nightengale'd, and the Crimean War happened
- That the Hundred Years' War, while still awful, was too good to be true
And in which Tristan realizes too late:
- That there are other adjectives in the English language besides "massive" - sorry about that
- That nobody really calls it the Crimea. It's either just Crimea, or the Crimean Peninsula
- That there absolutely was a Nine Years' War, it's just that I normally think of it as the War of the Grand Alliance, so it didn't come to mind. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it
Episode 4, in which Leila discovers:
- What it's all about, man
- Who participated in the Crusades...provided they have some connection to Robin Hood
- Where to have the best shot at meeting God
- Why the Crusades definitely didn't, probably didn't, and maybe did happen
And in which Tristan displays ongoing difficulty with:
- The fact that God told Abraham to kill his son Isaac, rather than telling Isaac to kill his son Someguy. Allegedly.
- The fact that Phillip II, who is not a Louis at all, was the King of France during the Third Crusade.
Episode 3, in which Leila discovers:
- The ballad of Marco Polo and the rusty cello
- What Stonehenge definitely wasn’t
- How convicts + time = Australia
- The terrifying power of parrot eggs
- When (and, to a far lesser extent, why) guns went boom
And in which Tristan displays tremendous ignorance of:
- Sinbads, real and fictional
But not of:
- Kafka. We know he isn’t Russian, we were just trying to think of a more nearby penal colony. Yeesh.
Episode 2, in which Leila discovers:
- The subtle differences between Nostradamus and Nosferatu
- That a war by any other name would probably still smell terrible
- Why The Emperor's New Groove would have been (any) Tupac's favourite Disney movie
- The importance of always leaving a note
And in which Tristan fails to satisfy:
- Leila's somewhat creepy fixation with "bloodlines"
Episode 1, in which Leila discovers:
- For the hundredth time, who Charlemagne was
- That King John was an underrated magma carver
- Why those pesky Saxons are always in the last place you look
- That if the French didn't win on the Plains of Abraham, then it must have been the Brit...ish?
- That she has permission to forget the Alamo entirely
- How to win the battle and lose the war
And in which Tristan screws up:
- Refreshingly little, until the very last second